Hypermarket, just like the owner of the foot of the one that blew off during that bizarre tornado, has been dead for a considerable time. Following America Ferrera’s departure from the series in pursuit of “the next chapter for [her] Family & Career,” the show was officially canceled by NBC after its 100th episode, with the final episodes of Season 6 being released in March 2021. However, this minor setback hasn’t stopped the dedicated and loyal Hypermarket fanbase to grow rapidly as they awaited the hopeful revival of their favorite workplace sitcom.
Even despite the show’s notable lack of new seasons, one of the best parts of consuming any TV series is the development of an inevitable parasocial relationship with its main characters that eventually ends in tears (and the compulsive desire to find a new gang of eccentrics to obsess over – much like the process of trying to replace a bad ex-boyfriend, but without all the mandatory shaving). Luckily, there will always be a place on the internet to debate with others which characters are funny and which ones are just nightmares, and as such here’s a list of Hypermarket characters, ranked from worst to best.
Marcus, also known as Ryan Reynolds, is a sales associate and part-time shower poo who, in the proud tradition of former Cloud 9 employees, temporarily went to jail for urinating in public. In addition to his recurring propensity to think with his pelvis (which makes his name relevant as an anagram of “sacrum”), he collects DUIs as if they were Pokémon cards. He also seems to have a penchant for ruining various body parts in gross but avoidable accidents, and when the moment calls for a noble volunteer to clean up a rapidly congealing puddle of yogurt, he settles for won’t. Still, he wants everyone to have a drink with him after work? It doesn’t happen, man. Also, did you steal those headphones?
Glenn is adorable. Glenn is so lovable, unequivocally debilitating, that you can’t help but want to scoop his beauty into a big spoon and poke his eyes with it. It’s not his fault, he talks like a Muppet and has the handling skills of a wet piece of lettuce – he’s just such a good guy that, for the most part, people don’t want to bend down to take advantage of him.
However, despite his aforementioned naivety and good nature, Glenn also deserves such a low spot on this list due to his significant flaws; above all, the fact that he takes thirteen sugars in his coffee (seriously, how did he get to 58?). That, plus the fact that a good chunk of his ancestry was probably slave traders, and he probably more likely tricked his wife into dating him, back when these things were running on the Rolodex of casual hobby. Sorry Glenn. It turns out that even after 50 years, the name “Sturgis” is still synonymous with tools.
Have you ever seen that YouTube video of a little badger violently attacking a pack of lions? (You know, that group of stereotypical docile, non-lethal animals). This small, angry nose-biting omnivorous mammal is known as Mateo Liwanag in animal form. When you watch him from the comfort of your TV screen, you wouldn’t be foolish to think he’s just a “loyal, hard-working employee with great skin”, but if you were ever unlucky enough to run a registry with him in real life, you would be justified in claiming Workman’s Comp for emotional damages. In other words, Mateo is a man who, if unable to channel his rage into his competitive spirit and his boundless devotion to Beyoncé, could probably chop you up into little pieces and leave your cubed leftovers in the aisle. from the freezer. After all, he’s eaten human flesh before. Creepy.
Unlike Cheyenne and Bo’s relationship, Cheyenne and Glenn are the true (platonic) soulmates of the group – kind, sweet, gentle baby angels who, while lacking a certain intellect usually found in post-primordial beings, are always up for an adventure and a new way to inhale carcinogenic fruit juices. In fact, Cheyenne, with its colorful highlights and prank-themed wedding raps, could be seen as the start of the “accidentally shitty but generally adorable” subsection of the Hypermarket clan; rarely bad, but often selfish, which is probably an accurate testimony of most people who go through the disastrous ordeal of adolescence. Plus, she must earn some kind of cosmic discount for having a friend named “Corona” in these trying times (if 2022 still counts).
You heard it here first, folks – if her name is Amy and she’s a character in a workplace comedy TV show, you can expect her to be both goofy and incredibly uptight . Whether it’s your time at work, college, or stuck on a school project, almost anyone proactive can relate to the indescribable exasperation of being “resident Amy”; she takes on the rest of the team, she faces the inevitable social exclusion, she’s pushed into a position of intense micromanagement, all for a few passive-aggressive nods and a potential (reluctant) invitation to the party group’s weekly trivia.
Then, when things get too tough and her life starts to look like a steaming mess, she tries something truly awful (like microwaving a chicken), which reaffirms everyone’s fears that she is, in fact, “Craymy”. In other words, you can love her, you can love her, but you definitely don’t want to be her.
Jonas, the man who frequents farmers’ markets. Who thinks they can unionize the nursing staff by asking everyone to contribute twenty dollars a month. Who actively loves Green Day. Despite the cute workplace romance he awkwardly cultivated with Amy, for these reasons, Jonah is the Imagine Dragons of the Hypermarket community (a group he probably, if not definitely, likes); when it pops up unexpectedly, you probably won’t run to avoid it, but it’s nothing you would expect. He’s his own kind of neutral cool, in a way. He’s just not the coolest.
Yes, that is unfortunately true; hypocrisy is at hand throughout this list, as while other characters like Glenn have been penalized for their various moral errors, Sandra is just too sane to rank below number four. Sure, she at one point attempted to murder a co-worker during a life-threatening tornado, and also made up an essentially fake boyfriend, Jeff, who showered her with gifts and flowers and horribly photoshopped trips to Paris, but for these equally heinous crimes against humanity, she deserves every Hypermarket the forgiveness of the fans. It’s not his fault; blame her chronically low self-esteem and all those rats she has to watch and then ignore. She slept with Sal, people. Could there be a greater cry for help?
Wow, wow, wow! Thank goodness Bo quit his job dancing for his mom’s friends, otherwise we’d never see the totally hilarious shenanigans that stem from his persistent quitting and working at Cloud 9. Among other things, Bo is one of most ridiculous, cartoonish, idiosyncratic supporting characters in TV history, which probably makes every moment spent with him on screen a childish delight – God only knows what he’s up to when Cheyenne is at work, and he is (presumably) in charge of the baby, though. Maybe even asking that question is a solid theme for a spin-off show starring budding rapper-turned-DJ Bo as he tries his own version of “soft” parenting. It contains multitudes, yo!
The king of kings. The joker of jokers. The God of the bare minimum. Garrett McNeill deserves it all, because he asks for nothing (other than the chance to talk about his sneaker collection, of course). If Mateo’s animal form is a badger, Garrett’s is a sloth – snuggly, languid, generally apathetic; probably up for a Mac’N’Cheese anytime. Whether it’s his constant banter on the in-store announcement system or demanding an “Other” box for a form detailing his relationship with Dina, Hypermarket wouldn’t be the same without the presence of Garrett’s “cool guy”. So even though he knew he would probably hate him, in a world jam-packed with Marcus, we should all strive to be a little more like Garrett.
Welcome to the long-awaited era of Dina “I’d like to meet your mother and put you back in her” Fox. It won’t be pleasant, but if you’re lucky you’ll probably learn some pretty interesting facts about a) pet bird collections and b) how to most effectively get someone into a headache. Yes, while Dina is often an underrated character among Hypermarket fandom (in part because she’s brash, rude, and possibly the worst person in the world), she’s a huge win for the representation of women who look like they could crush your skull like a soda can . You can’t help loving Dina. She tries to make you hate her, the rest of the characters try to make you hate her, and even the storyline in places tries to make you hate her, but truly, she will always hold a special (albeit terrified) place in our hearts.
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